“Ataraxia” (ἀταραξία, “tranquility”) is a Greek term for a lucid state of robust tranquility, characterized by ongoing freedom from distress and worry
so says wikipedia, the dictionary says;
but my favorite definition is this….
NO FUCKS GIVEN
This year is the year I seek ataraxia. I need it and crave it in a way that feels primal: perhaps it is. It is time to stop doing things because they are expected of me, that includes relationships that have stalled, and filling obligations out of duty.
Recently I had a small dust-up with a distant friend, it was nothing serious, truly, and with a few well placed words from me, I could smooth it over and we would go on as before.
But I won’t.
It isn’t because the argument was life-changing, but the way she reacted to it angered me more than it should have. I knew it was once again a cycle of her overreacting, me apologizing, and telling her how much I truly liked her and I wanted her in my life. Every time I tried to write those words, I couldn’t. She is exhausting, and frankly, we’ve been down this road too many times. She is a good person and I wish her the best, but it is no longer worth it to me. I will leave the friendship broken, like a vase I never really liked, it shards a reminder that I will cut myself on them if I try to put them back together again. I will not do this.
Life holds so much for me, and I want someone along for the ride. I have picked out that person, and I hope we do amazing things together. She, like me, has no room for drama and jealously, and is constantly growing and trying. However, life throws curve balls – and I know it could all fall apart tomorrow. It would hurt like nothing else, but it would not kill me. And my life would go on. All those plans would still be there, and I will do them alone or together – I will do them.
2015 is the year I write. I write this blog, I write my book, I simply write. It is what feeds my soul and various voices of my world keep me up, insistent that I tell their story. I will do this.
Worry and fear keeps people rooted, has even kept me rooted, but it is time to be grateful for what I have and I will have.
I am seeking ataraxia.
I will find it.