What are you kink resolutions?
Kink has it’s own language
It’s the first week of 2016, the time to start on those resolutions for the new year. Perhaps this is the year you’ve decided to explore the world of BDSM and you’re wondering where to begin. As you embark on your personal kink exploration, you’re certain to come across definitions and concepts that will seem unfamiliar. It’s natural that you won’t know everything, exploration has it’s own natural learning curve. However, being well acquainted with some terms is a necessity. Here are five kink definitions you need to know. Consider this your first lesson in the language of kink.
Consent is the most important concept you’ll encounter in BDSM. Consent is expressed and informed permission for any of the actions that occur during kink play. Consent is conditional, it can be given or revoked at any time, for any reason. Consent has some basic criteria in order to be effective.
-Mutual: All parties involved in a kink scene should agree and grant their consent to participate. Conversely, everyone involved should respect the right of anyone to revoke their consent to participate.
-Informed: Consent should be well informed, where everyone understands the risks and assumed responsibilities of a kink scene. Participants should also be well informed of what may take place in a scene they consent to.
-Specific: Consent is granted for a specific activity, but that doesn’t mean that given consent includes any activity unless clearly stated.
-Conditional: It’s understood that consent can be revoked at any time, for any reason.
-Non-Coercive: Coercion should not be used to receive consent for kink activities nor used against someone who revokes their consent.
Negotiation is the process where participants agree to the activities that will take place during a kink encounter. This is the time to discuss what will happen in a scene. During negotiation participants have a chance to mention what they want to experience in a scene and also to list their limits. Disclosure during negotiation provides the dialogue which fully informed consent is based upon.
A BDSM play experience is called a scene (also called play or session). This is the time where consensual kink activity is carried out. This is also the time that participants assume roles such as dominant, submissive, top and bottom. The purpose of negotiation is to discuss what happens during the scene. People engage each other in scenes by granting consent. Scenes are held in dedicated play spaces or in private homes, typically where adult activity is appropriate.
Safewords are a form of communication used during kink scenes to ensure safety and consent. The typical safewords use the streetlight analogy of green, yellow and red. Green means an activity is fine and should continue. Yellow means that an activity can continue but the action should be slowed down or adjusted. An example would be a bottom saying yellow to have a rope adjusted during a bondage scene. Calling red in a scene means that all action should stop. An example would be a bottom calling red on a spanking that becomes too intense.
Sometimes bottoms in a scene have difficulty communicating, whether because of wearing gags or being in sub space. When this is an issue alternate forms of communication can be used, such as safe gestures instead of safewords. An example would be a bottom tapping to slow or stop a scene.
Limits are the boundaries placed on kink activities. Limits are set according to likes, dislikes, physical limitations and emotional needs. Limits can be either hard or soft. The former being things that shouldn’t happen under any circumstances, the latter being things that may be permissible under certain conditions. Trauma triggers are often listed as limits, since play activities that approximate physical or emotional trauma can create a harmful experience during a scene.
An example of a soft limit is a bottom not consenting to be caned, except by a trusted partner. A hard limit example would be a bottom that won’t ever agree to crawl during a scene, due to orthopedic issues.
Limits should be stated during the negotiation process. Pushing or breaking a stated limit during a scene is a consent violation.
Practice what you’ve learned
It isn’t a coincidence that all five of these definitions have something to do with communication, which is one of the most important lessons you’ll learn about kink. Practicing great communication will help you to experience a safer, fulfilling kink life and help you to deal with challenges as they arise. This knowledge is far more important to your kink exploration than having a really cool flogger will ever be.
Happy New Year. Learn the language, explore and keep it kinky.